On A Levels

Only just realised that A level results are going to be released tomorrow. Technically today because it's already 3 March back in sg. When I saw the update on Twitter earlier this week it didn't really cross my mind that it would be less than a week away. And I guess due to the time difference by the time I wake up in London morning all the excitement / suspense would be over. Not that I have anything to do with it but couldn't help remembering last year at this time too. I never did a proper conclusion of the 6 years of school / 2 years of JC, I think the only thing I wrote that was remotely close to it was "Still trying to decide if it’s been a good 2/6 years, I guess not. But I only have myself to blame and all. Too much wasted time and opportunities on the wrong things. Now, please give me one more chance and I swear I won’t waste it anymore, please." And that was like a week after results release. So I guess as late as it is it's been one year, but not too late to do some reflections on my school life so far.

I could still remember how weirdly calm I was on the actual day itself, because I had kind of given in to the fact that I did my best and there was nothing more I could do. It was the first time that I felt like the results were going to determine where I go, but there was nothing I could do about it because what is set has been set. Reflecting back in all the years of my school life, primary school had been a breeze only because I was actually hardworking back then, and there were no distractions. And there was DSA, so there wasn't much stress except probably to get a scholarship so that the school fees wouldn't be too expensive. I guess I was pretty much the model pupil: I conscientiously did all the assessment books that my parents bought, I read lots of books, I go home immediately after school and took afternoon naps, I never played computer games except solitaire and minesweeper. I think the first time I ever had internet access was at school in P6, when we had to create an email address and I went back to realise that it was so tedious to get on the internet via dial-up connection and my mom always told me not to hog up the phone line. It was only in secondary one after much fuss about the inconveniences of not having internet for school work that we finally got broadband, and I guess that's when all the distractions and stupid decisions came about. I hardly studied because I thought I was going to get by easily like primary school, and I spent lots of (WASTED) time on MSN. We also had this subject called ICT which was really tedious and time-consuming especially if you're not good with Photoshop drawings, and that was an excuse to spend more time on the computer too. It was the first Lang Arts assignment where I got a 67 that I started to panic because 67 wasn't even a band 2 in primary school. And then there were all those new subjects like biology and physics (I was never even good in sciences to begin with) and history and geography which I really disliked because of all the memory work and French which I really enjoyed. In the end my sec 1 grades were pretty bad but they started to improve in sec 2 though I never scored above a C5 for history, but my language grades were decent so I applied for BSP and got in. Sec 3 and 4 were the really fun years because of all the overseas immersion programmes so we basically got exempted from sec 3 EOYs, and I came back from Beijing in May of 2010 and started panicking badly for EOYs because we had to meet a certain requirement to get into HC. I guess the panic worked in a way because it made me study hard for the first time since PSLE. Or rather, do work since I never actually knew how to "study". I remember nights in the games room downstairs studying with my neighbour H who was a really good study buddy because she was always so focused while I tend to get distracted easily. And we'd help each other because she was really good at bio and explaining the processes to me while I explained math stuff to her. I took triple science with French back then, and managed to scrape borderline A1s thanks to all the assignments and coursework which counted to our grades. By borderline I honestly mean like 75, 76 and 77 for bio, physics and chem respectively. Really regretted not studying hard for French because they were actually O Levels but by the time I started to panic it was kind of too late since you cannot actually improve a language within a few days. I didn't exactly do very well for French but I liked it a lot so I kind of wanted to make up for it by continuing in JC. That was a right decision which I am glad for.

Post-NY life was pretty fun, worked at Kino and got to know a bunch of fun colleagues. Then JC came about and it was all very nice and fun at the beginning with orientation and all. Was really happy in my OG and we actually won orientation games thanks to all the sports people haha and we were super bonded at the beginning but I guess we eventually drifted, even the people I used to be close to. I guess some things weren't meant to last but I'm still thankful for the good times. Decided to take PCM CSC FR even though all along I've been wanting to do econs in JC but I don't know what changed my mind in the end and made me choose freaking physics over econs. It probably wasn't a very good idea to fill in the subjects form at 2AM in the morning. Maybe I wasn't thinking right. And then everything went wrong wrong wrong in February after class allocation. I tried to remain optimistic at first but it was just so difficult. I didn't have anything personal against anyone (at the start) but it was more like it was really different from what I had expected. And PW which I seriously think is the most useless thing on earth and it didn't help much that we hardly had constructive comments at all and the whole thing just looked lame. I hated it. I really hated it. So school was generally miserable apart from CCA and French and I hardly did much work but I was still so tired everyday. Sometimes I also felt like I had no friends in school because everyone was busy with their own things and I hardly got to see my good friends due to clash in schedules and most people are just acquaintances or hi-bye friends. It was also then that I realised how superficial social interactions could get. No wonder they always say you make the truest friends when you're young and everyone's all simplistic and everything. Fine, I accepted that and I dealt with it. But it was actually the studies part and the exams that was the most depressing. I did my tutorials most of the time but it also took me the longest time to discover than you have to study smart instead of study hard, and that I had to change my studying methods once again (I "study" by spamming practices but there was not enough time) and that I lacked examination techniques such as finishing the paper on time because I usually do tutorials at my own pace. On certain occasions I gave up trying to finish tutorials altogether. I did okay for blocks but it was still obviously substandard with reference to the percentiles and by then promos were approaching and they kept emphasising on the grades we needed to promote and to keep our BSP scholarship. I didn't get any Us, but I had higher than average expectations of myself and whatever I was getting obviously didn't meet those expectations at all. Promos were the worst really, the highest I got was a C and that was for GP, but the average was a E. I still remember crying on the bus home after getting CSC results because I'd already gotten 2 other papers back that day, and it was just too much for me to take in one day. The only consoling part was French, because Monsieur P. had been really encouraging and we had to take the A level for H1 at the end of the year so I had been doing much more consistent work for French than anything else.

Actually managed to find an old photo from my iPod to motivate myself to study. Blurred the parts with tilt-shift because it was on Instagram at first but the letters are quite visible. So yeah. After promos I swore I would study hard because it was As but there was always not enough time to learn and absorb everything. I had no idea how to improve for GP because my vocab has always been rather limited. I really disliked physics. Math and chem were okay because I like those subjects, but I couldn't figure out how to do better in exams and to answer faster too. CSC was just there because it was all essay and source-based and I had never been good with those (evidently from history days). So block test 1 came and went with equally meagre results. And then PW results were released and even though 87.5% of the cohort got an A there is still the 12.5% which seems to fade away while everyone is celebrating. It also happened to be released on my birthday and I thought I had the shittiest birthday ever, the worst way to turn 18. I don't think I ever felt more inferior and I remember how I literally spent the rest of my day crying because I honestly did put in effort for the freaking report and all those nights of sleep lost all amounted to that single letter. It took me so long to get over it though I still feel the slightest annoyance when I think about it now. In June when the holidays came I really studied and did lots of practices and exercises but block test 2 results still remained, and as did prelims. Was really angry with myself at first because prelims were supposed to determine your predicted grades, but I figured there wasn't anything else I could do besides study harder for the final exam. I think I have never studied harder than that period before prelims, staying in the reading room until 9 everyday, going back to school on Saturdays to study and going to UTown on Sundays. Also started going for consults which proved to be really useful and I seriously regret not studying harder before but I knew I had only myself to blame. Prelims were actually slightly better because my CSC suddenly improved and I was really motivated, and everything else went up by the slightest bit. I still had Ds and Es but at least I knew where my mistakes were then. The days leading up to As went by really fast and mechanically, because everyday was the same routine. The night before GP paper I spent the day in Starbucks just reading essays, and came back and decided to sleep early. It was finally here, but I was quite calm and decided that I'll just do what I can, and avoided post-paper discussions outside the exam hall because there was no point and I can't redo the paper anyway. The one month passed by really quickly, and finally I could have a breather for 2 days before starting work on Friday of the week my last physics paper ended.

I guess in the end all my results were pretty expected, and hard work did pay off in the end (somewhat). I was contented with what I had, and I was just glad that I was finally done with it and relieved to finally get out of that place. I would say I'd done my best under those circumstances, though I do feel guilty remember the minutes wasted browsing the internet or digressing when I could have been perhaps cramming more stuff in. I was confident for math and chem and CSC, and I finally did get As for them for the first time ever. Had Bs for the rest of the subjects and was quite disappointed with GP because my percentile for GP had been alright all along, but I guess you gain some and you lose some. (It was funny though, when my interviewer (who is now my current personal tutor) interviewed me over the phone and he had asked what is GP anyway.) I learnt that hard work is the only way to go, even though sometimes they may not seem to pay off but everything will be alright in the end. I learnt how important it was to study something you enjoy, because if you don't like the subject you will never be motivated to study it properly, but if you enjoy what you learn then you will have an easier time understanding and applying. I also learnt that A level results will probably only matter for that short period of time during uni and scholarship applications, but no one will care which school you used to attend once you enter uni. 

To conclude, I'm actually really happy to be where I am now, studying something which I enjoy (okay maybe not so much the econs part but I'll get it soon). Was slightly worried at first because I wanted to go to a UK uni, and my conditional offers were mostly triple As but the problem was that most didn't recognise CSC as a subject. I didn't get a single scholarship but I knew my grades despite being decent grades wouldn't have made the cut anyway. I didn't get invited for awards day at HC because they don't count H1 subjects but it didn't matter, I was glad I finally graduated and I don't need their recognition for anything I've achieved. I didn't get the offer from Sciences Po which I'd so badly wanted to go at first. But I got something even better in the end. I turned down biz acc because I knew I wouldn't have liked it, and I gave up USP for a greater experience. There're the two extremes, and everyone looks up to the best end of the extreme aspiring to be like them. But the tip of the tower will always be that small and that exclusive. Sometimes it's better and happier to just do your own things and not bother about comparisons with other people because there's no point in it and everyone was made to do different things. In short, I'm just glad to have left that part of my life behind. I didn't have the best time of my life in JC, it was in fact some of the most miserable days, there were times when I felt nothing but mediocre and inferior amidst everyone else and that I wasn't good enough despite giving my all. I didn't get a single A throughout my JC life, but I survived. And I did gain a bit in terms of perspective, which probably explains why I tend to take things as they are now. I'm just really thankful for some of my tutors who had been really patient with me all along and also all my friends, especially from CCA (both strings and law soc), BSP, some classmates and some random people who turned out to be really good friends. Also eternally grateful to my parents for their support because I would never have made it all the way without them either. Sometimes I think I have been really lucky, but I hope I don't have to keep depending on luck. I don't exactly have any words of advice, but I believe in hard work and doing what you're supposed to do and like to do and that everything will be alright in the end. Do your best and do what you can so that you won't regret or feel guilty about it afterwards. What is meant to be will eventually be, anyway.